


astrophile

by changkyuneocity



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Barista Chae Hyungwon, Character Death, Fluff, M/M, Sickness, Soft Im Changkyun | I.M, changkyun likes the stars, hyungwon is whipped from the start, hyungwon likes changkyun, star references, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:27:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28607496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changkyuneocity/pseuds/changkyuneocity
Summary: astrophile: one who loves stars or astronomy.changkyun loves the stars so much. he loves them so much, in fact, that he wants to be one.he'll always be a star to hyungwon.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M
Comments: 7
Kudos: 33





	astrophile

**Author's Note:**

> hihi !! back with a new hyungkyun fic bc i love them
> 
> this one took me around two months to write, so with that said ,,, i hope you enjoy !
> 
> !!! in this fic, theres heavy discussion of assisted suicide and sickness. i am by no means a medical professional nor do i know much about sickness, but i did do my research about assisted suicide. the one inaccuracy of this fic pretaining to assisted suicide is that it's not called 'assisted suicide' in korea but is rather called 'active euthansia'. also, i have absolutely no intention of romanticising sickness or suicide, as that is not the point of this fic.

the first time hyungwon met changkyun was at work. hyungwon worked at the starbucks on campus before he started classes for the day. classic.

hyungwon had only been at work for roughly 15 minutes when his boss, hyunwoo, told him to work the register. hyungwon had to hold in a groan because he _hated_ working the register. there were always so many people with the most ridiculous orders. he never knew how he managed to not laugh at some of the things he’s had to write down. 

surprisingly, there weren’t that many people to serve today. hyungwon didn’t know why, as it was a tuesday morning, but he was never one to complain about a slow morning. he was wiping down the counter, actually finding himself waiting for the bell above the door to ring. when it did, hyungwon put the cleaner and rag down and made his way back to the register before he even looked at who walked in. when he finally raised his eyes, hyungwon swore he’s never seen a cuter stranger. 

the boy who walked in was short but built, had a walk like he was gliding, wore baggy clothes, and had a nice nose. hyungwon wanted to boop it. _wait, what?_

“hello, welcome to starbucks, what can i get for you today?” hyungwon asks in his usual customer service voice. the boy finishes making his way to the counter, his eyes raking over the menu displayed above hyungwon for a few seconds before settling on the man behind the counter. 

“just a grande iced americano, please,” he says, already reaching for his wallet to pay. hyungwon tries not to startle too much when hearing how deep the boy’s voice was. hyungwon nods and gets the cup ready, writing down the order on the side.

“name for the order?”

“changkyun,” hyungwon nods and writes it down, happy to now have a name to put to the face. cute name for a cute boy. hyungwon felt his face heating up as he continued to internally fawn over the stranger- changkyun, rather. he was just too cute, and hyungwon loved cute things. 

“it’ll be ready in just a minute,” hyungwon smiled as he turned around, cup in hand as he was prepared to make changkyun’s drink. changkyun nodded, silently taking out his phone and stepping to the side as he waited for the other to finish making his drink. 

it was less than 5 minutes later when hyungwon slid changkyun his drink over the counter, “here you go,” hyungwon smiled, his eyes never leaving the other’s form.

“ah, thank you…” changkyun trailed off, looking at the other expectantly.

“oh, i’m hyungwon.”

“well, thank you, hyungwon-ssi,” changkyun slightly bowed, taking his drink as he turned and walked out the door, hyungwon watching as he disappeared from the window. 

to say that hyungwon was curious was an understatement. for one, changkyun was very cute, as previously mentioned. and two, hyungwon had never seen the other around before. was he new to the university? did he maybe only now start liking coffee? whatever it was, hyungwon hoped to see him around more. 

-

the next time hyungwon sees changkyun, it’s at the library on campus, and he’s ecstatic to see the other. however, before he could make his way over to changkyun, he notices that changkyun isn’t alone. he’s with kihyun. kihyun and hyungwon weren’t exactly the best of friends, but they were close and talked a good amount. a good amount enough that he would’ve, or should’ve, known changkyun if he were always friends with kihyun, as kihyun and hyungwon know each other’s friend circles.

hyungwon can tell that the two are studying together, if the multiple open textbooks spread on the table and their hushed whispers to each other were anything to go by. hyungwon decided that it wasn’t worth disturbing the two, so he decided to continue on with checking out his own books and ask kihyun about how he knew changkyun later. 

hyungwon lives up to his self-promise of asking kihyun about changkyun when he sees the older male in the quad during lunch hour the next day, sitting at one of the many stone tables, once again with a textbook open. he always was a nerd.

“hey, kihyun hyung, how are you?” hyungwon asks as he slides onto the stone bench opposite of kihyun, trying to seem as subtle as possible. he smiles at the older when he looks up at him, the other smiling back politely.

“hey, hyungwon-ssi, it’s been a while,” kihyun says, setting down his pencil in the crease of his textbook. “i’ve been okay. how are you?”

“ah, i’ve been good, too,” hyungwon responds, trying to think of how to bring changkyun into the conversation without it seeming weird. changkyun and kihyun could be dating for all he knows.

“if this is about that economics paper, i already turned it in, so i don’t have the answers with me,” kihyun said before hyungwon could say anything.

“ah no, no, no, that isn’t what i want!” hyungwon said hurriedly, waving his hands in front of him as if trying to wipe away that idea from kihyun’s mind. “i already turned that in, too.”

the older of the two only nodded, chuckling a bit at the other. “sorry for assuming that. but, is there anything you need?”

“actually, yeah,” hyungwon bit his lip nervously, still unsure how to ask the other how he knew changkyun. might as well get right into it; rip it off like a band-aid. “so, you know i work at the starbucks, here on campus. well, there was someone there i had never seen before, his name was changkyun. and, well, i saw you two at the library together the other day, and i was just wondering if he was new here.”

well that sure was some word vomit. and totally not weird. _nice going, hyungwon._

“ah, yeah, his name is im changkyun, he’s new here,” kihyun gave a tight lipped smile, continuing. “he’s my cousin.”

“eh? your cousin?” hyungwon asked in surprise, his eyes wide as he takes in the information. _since when did kihyun have a cousin?_

“yep, he’s my cousin,” kihyun nodded.

“oh,” hyungwon said dumbly. “how come i’ve never seen him before?”

“i’m sorry, hyungwon-ssi, but i have to get this assignment done…” kihyun trailed off, trying to end the conversation as politely as possible.

“ah, of course, i’m sorry, kihyun hyung!” hyungwon stood up quickly and bowed, smiling to the older as he walks away, more confused than when he first sat down. how come he had never known changkyun was kihyun’s cousin? how come he had never seen changkyun before? well, duh, he was new to the uni, but whatever. but, how come kihyun seemed so urgent to drop the subject? hyungwon didn’t know, but he decided that if he couldn’t get closer to changkyun through connections, then he’d do it himself.

-

hyungwon runs into changkyun coincidentally at the university observatory when he had to fetch one of his friends that he usually drove home at the end of the day, but said friend was nowhere to be seen. which wasn’t a surprise; minhyuk hardly ever stuck to a schedule, hyungwon was used to it.

he decided that now was as good a time as any other as he took a deep breath, beginning to make his way to the other. when he got closer, he could see that changkyun was looking through a telescope, looking away every once in a while to write down some things in the journal held between his hands.

“hi,” hyungwon said simply, not wanting to startle the other. it didn’t work though because changkyun still jumped back a little from the eyepiece of the telescope, looking at hyungwon blankly until recognition flashed across his face.

“oh, hi, hyungwon-ssi,” changkyun smiled at the other, hyungwon taking notice of the dimples that adorned changkyun’s cheeks, _can this boy get any cuter?_

“what’re you doing?” hyungwon asked as he looked at where the telescope was pointing, not seeing anything that piqued his interest. 

“ah, just doing some observing,” changkyun smiled, looking back at the telescope.

“hm, makes sense since, you know, we’re in an observatory,” hyungwon chuckled, his heart fluttering when he saw the smile his sentence brought to the other’s face. “so, what exactly are you observing?” 

“the stars,” changkyun said simply yet seriously. hyungwon nodded, trying to keep his face serious as he kept his eyes focused on the stars spread across the sky. 

“i can point out the big dipper,” hyungwon said as he looked down at changkyun, pride on his face as he watched changkyun raise his brows.

“wow, really? where is it?” 

“shoo shoo,” hyungwon said as he lightly pushed changkyun to the side as he moved to look into the telescope, ignoring the way his hand tingled from where it connected with changkyun’s arm. “mmm, here,” hyungwon removed his head from the eyepiece of the telescope, moving himself so that changkyun could check. he watched as changkyun looked through the telescope, waiting for the other to confirm his find.

“huh, you found it,” changkyun nodded.

“you sound impressed,” hyungwon smirked at the other, not knowing if he should be offended by the tone in changkyun’s voice.

“well, it’s just that most people tend to confuse the little dipper for the big dipper,” changkyun elaborated.

“how? one’s big and one’s little.”

“that’s what i’m saying,” the two laughed together. 

“what’s your favorite star?” hyungwon asks out of the blue. he looks down at changkyun, waiting for his answer.

“i like BAT99-98,” changkyun said as he let his eyes drift to the stars, a certain admiration in them that hyungwon quickly came to adore himself. 

“you like what now?” hyungwon asked when the words settled in his brain. he’d never heard of that. hell, the most random star he knows is rigel, and all he knows is that it’s bright as hell. 

changkyun laughed at the sound of hyungwon being baffled, now leaving hyungwon breathless at the bright sound. rigel who? “BAT99-98 is one of the largest known stars, and i personally think one of the prettiest.” 

hyungwon could not get over how pretty changkyun was right now.

“i think you’re pretty,” hyungwon said quietly, not catching what he was saying until he already said it.

“huh?” changkyun asked, his eyes wide as he looked up at the other. 

“ah, i said i think it’s pretty too,” hyungwon smiled awkwardly, thanking the heavens and stars alike that changkyun didn’t hear what he said. or at least didn’t let hyungwon know that he heard him.

“hyungwon-ah, there you are! sorry i took forever,” hyungwon whipped his head around as he heard the loud voice of minhyuk, seeing the older making his way over to the pair.

“don’t worry about it, min hyung,” hyungwon said back when the older made it over to them.

“hey, i didn’t know you two knew each other,” minhyuk smiled brightly between the two. 

“yeah, we met a couple days ago,” hyungwon smiled back at his friend, looking down at changkyun when he saw the other nodding along.

“that’s awesome! but won-ah, we need to get going, i promised heonnie that i’d cook tonight,” minhyuk pouted, already making his way to the observatory exit. 

“alright, i’ll be out in a minute,” hyungwon called after his friend, not even sure if he heard him. he looked back to changkyun, a smile on his face. “i’ll see you around, yeah?”

“yeah, definitely,” changkyun said back, a shy smile spreading on his face as well as a small blush that hyungwon could barely make out under the soft light of the stars. 

hyungwon’s smile grew as he nodded, turning around to make his way to the exit, the only thing on his mind as he walked away being how much he missed seeing changkyun’s smile already.

-

hyungwon sees changkyun again when he goes to some fast food restaurant off campus for a dinner replacement one day. hyungwon wasn’t one to question faith, as he didn’t really focus on things like that, but he did notice just how much he’s been seeing the other around ever since he seen him at the coffee shop not too long ago. 

he notices that changkyun isn’t alone, but rather is with kihyun again, the two sitting across from each other. hyungwon was contemplating whether or not he should interfere with the two having their lunch when changkyun takes notice of him, waving him over with a smile on his face. hyungwon tries to keep his smile from growing too wide as he makes his way over, not looking anywhere else as he makes his way to take a seat next to changkyun. 

“oh, hey, hyungwon-ssi,” kihyun said as he looked at hyungwon, his expression unreadable.

“you two know each other?” changkyun asked as he looked back and forth between the two, something akin to surprise on his face.

“yeah, we’re friends,” hyungwon smiled, watching as changkyun nodded his head in understanding.

“well, i’m gonna head to work now. see you later, kyunnie,” kihyun stood up and grabbed his coat from the back of his chair, reaching over the table to plant a kiss on the top of changkyun’s head, saying nothing more as he made his way to the exit, eventually disappearing down the street.

“i have a feeling he doesn’t like me much anymore,” hyungwon said as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, looking down at changkyun, the other shorter than him even sitting down.

“hyung’s just a bit busy, that’s all,” changkyun tried to smile reassuringly at the other but there was something in his expression that hyungwon didn’t feel would be right to point out. 

“how old are you, by the way? i’ve been meaning to ask,” hyungwon asked as he stole a fry off changkyun’s tray, smiling when the other playfully swatted at his hand.

“i was born in ‘96,” changkyun answered. “what about you?” 

“ahh, i’m your hyung. i was born in ‘94,” hyungwon smirked, a strange feeling of protectiveness over taking him now that he knows changkyun is younger than him, even if it isn’t by much.

“it seems everyone is my hyung,” changkyun laughed, the pressure that rested on his face earlier gone. it made hyungwon happy to see. 

hyungwon suddenly had an idea.

“hey, changkyun ah, would you like to go out with me some time?” hyungwon asked, surprising himself by how easily he blurted the words out, almost as if he didn’t think before saying them; something he seems to do a lot around changkyun.

“o-oh…i’d love to, hyungwon-hyung,” changkyun said as he looked down to his fingers that were intertwined on the table, then raising his head as he gave hyungwon probably the prettiest smile the older has ever seen, the blush on the younger’s cheeks and over the bridge of his nose also the prettiest shade of pink hyungwon had ever seen.

“great,” hyungwon just knew he had the dumbest smile on his face as he continued to look at changkyun. “oh, i should probably give you my number,” hyungwon pulled out his phone, waiting for the younger to do the same. 

the two exchanged numbers and smiles before they had to leave, hyungwon to his place to study for an economics test next week, and changkyun to... hyungwon had no idea. all hyungwon knew was that the elation he felt in his chest as he watched changkyun walk away felt so good. almost too good.

-

the two decided that they would have their first date (and no, hyungwon did not giggle like a school girl at the thought of going on a date with changkyun) at park a few miles out of seoul to stargaze. 

hyungwon was the one to suggest it first because he knew how much the younger liked the stars and astronomy, if all the random facts changkyun would send him throughout the days were anything to go by. hyungwon knew that his suggestion was a good one when he received many, many exclamation points from changkyun and a heart emoji. a _heart_ emoji. hyungwon almost didn’t know what to do, but luckily the still functioning part of his brain reminded him to send one back. 

the two of them decided to go to the park separately and meet up at 7:30pm, sunset. which means hyungwon was going to leave at 7:00pm so that he wouldn’t be late. even if it would only take him 10 minutes to get to the park. just to be safe. 

hyungwon was sitting on a bench at the entrance of park, checking the time on his phone _7:23pm_ and anxiously bouncing his leg that didn’t have a drink carrier of two coffees balancing on it. he put his phone down as he looked around the darkening park, looking at the few people that were still lingering in the park as he waited for changkyun to come. he apparently didn’t have to wait long as not even a minute later he felt a tap on his shoulder, causing him to yelp as he stood up and turned around real quick. before his mind could register who he was looking at, a bright laugh filled his ears, his brain finally realizing it was actually changkyun standing in front of him.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to scare you,” changkyun said, obviously not too sorry as he was trying to hide his giggles behind his hand. a hand that was covered with a long sleeve. _oh my god. sweater paws,_ hyungwon’s mind totally did not stutter at the cute image. 

“it’s fine, don’t worry about it,” hyungwon smiled as he looked down to the coffee in his hands. “i got you coffee,” he smiled as he proudly held out the carrier of coffee, watching as changkyun took the cup with his name out of the holder and brought it to his lips, slowly taking a drink.

“americano. my favorite,” changkyun smiled up at hyungwon as he took another drink.

“ah, so i remembered correctly,” hyungwon chuckled as he took his cup out of the holder, placing the now empty holder in the recycling bin beside the bench. once he returned to changkyun’s side, the two boys began walking side by side down the sidewalk further into the park, looking for a place to stop so the two could see the stars together. along the way, hyungwon noticed that him and changkyun were close; close enough that their hands that weren’t holding coffees were bumping into each other’s each time they took a step. just as hyungwon got a surge of confidence to hold changkyun’s hand, the younger moved.

“oh! this is a good spot to stay,” changkyun exclaimed as he made his way off the sidewalk and through the grass, stopping in a clearing that offered a perfect view of the sky as there were no tree branches obscuring the view. hyungwon smiled, forgetting the disappointment that he felt in his chest as he followed behind changkyun, stopping when he was beside and sat down, looking up at changkyun and waiting for him to do the same. when changkyun did sit down, the two looked at each other and smiled. hyungwon was the one to look away this time as he looked up to the sky, it finally dark enough to see the stars. since they were a few miles from seoul, the sky was smog free, letting the stars twinkle freely.

“wow, you can see everything right now,” hyungwon said a little breathlessly. he never had any fascination or interest in the stars before, but now that he’s met changkyun, he’s paid a little more attention to the sliver of sky he could see from out his window, falling asleep as he tried to count all the stars. it’s like changkyun opened up a whole new world for him.

“i know, you could never see things this clearly in seoul,” changkyun said as he also had his head craned to the sky. hyungwon looked at him, his eyes scanning the younger’s face. he kept his eyes trained on changkyun, even when the younger looked back at him. hyungwon swore he could see a thousand stars in changkyun’s eyes.

“you’re so pretty,” hyungwon said quietly, but he knew changkyun heard it when the younger looked down to his lap, the blush on his cheeks bright enough to be seen under the starlight. hyungwon brought his hand up, using his hand to lift changkyun’s face up by his chin, making the younger look at him. he smiled softly when changkyun finally made eye contact with him, the younger doing the same.

“i like you, hyung” changkyun blurted out, seemingly shocking himself at his boldness as he let out a gasp. hyungwon’s face lit up like million galaxies, his heart thrumming as he took in changkyun’s words. 

“i like you too, changkyun-ah,” hyungwon whispered, his heart warming when a smile equally as bright bloomed on changkyun’s face. hyungwon leaned in, changkyun doing the same.

“is it okay? if i kiss you?” hyungwon breathed as he was so close to closing the gap between the two. changkyun smiled as he nodded, leaning in closer to help close the gap. when their lips touched, hyungwon swore he felt sparks in chest, like a supernova right in between his lungs. the kiss wasn’t much, just a lay of their lips over each others, but it was the best thing either of them has felt. 

they leaned away, a smile on both of their faces. they didn’t say much after that, not needing to as they spent the rest of their night laying on the grass, eyes to sky and pointing out shapes the stars made to each other.

-

“what do you wanna be? when we’re older?” changkyun randomly blurted out. he was sprawled out on hyungwon’s bed, looking up at the ceiling at the glow in the dark sticky stars that hyungwon recently invested in.

“we’re already old,” hyungwon laughed, not looking up from his place sat at his desk, typing away on his computer for the assignment from his economics professor.

“hyung~ you know what i mean,” changkyun pouted as he rolled onto his stomach to look over at hyungwon. “what do you wanna do after you graduate?”

hyungwon leaned back into his chair, taking his fingers away from the keyboard as he looked up in thought, the ideas of what he’ll do after he leaves uni running through his mind. “hmm, i don’t know, kyunnie. maybe a teacher?” 

“that’s boring,” changkyun said flatly, earning a laugh from hyungwon, the older turning around in his seat to look at changkyun.

“what about you? what do you wanna be?”

“a star,” changkyun said without hesitation, turning back around so that he was lying on his back, once again looking at the stars on the ceiling, a dreamy smile on his face.

“oh? you wanna be famous?” hyungwon asked. “for what? dancing, rapping?”

“no, silly, a real star! like the ones in the sky,” changkyun said, closing his eyes as he relaxed into the bed more. hyungwon cocked his head curiously, letting his eyes roam changkyun’s form. after a bit, he smiled at the other’s answer.

“you’ll always be a star to me.”

right then, changkyun’s phone started to ring from his pocket, him smiling at hyungwon sweetly before pulling his phone out and answering.

“hello, ki hyung,” changkyun said, listening to his cousin from the other side. hyungwon couldn’t hear what kihyun was saying, but he was watching changkyun’s face, trying to guess what their conversation could be about. suddenly, changkyun sat up from the bed, a sigh escaping his lips. “okay, hyung, i’ll be there soon.”

“you’re leaving?” hyungwon watched as changkyun got up from the bed, making his way over to the older. 

“yeah, hyung needs help with something,” changkyun said simply as he leaned down to give hyungwon a quick peck on the lips, a smile on his face as he made his way to the door. “see you tomorrow.”

“yeah, you too,” hyungwon smiled after changkyun, watching as he made his way out and closed the door behind him. when the fuzziness left his mind, hyungwon found himself confused. what exactly were changkyun and him? boyfriends? close friends that kissed and liked each other? they never really put a label on what they were, and while hyungwon was okay with that, as he didn’t want to force anything on changkyun, he was also tired of not making changkyun his. he knew that changkyun liked him, he said so himself, he just wanted to make it official. 

deciding that he didn’t need to worry about it, hyungwon turned back to his computer, tapping away on the keys.

-

_wonnie 🖤_  
_’ would you like to get coffee with me? ‘_

changkyun sighed as he read the message from hyungwon. of course he would love to, but he was a bit preoccupied at the moment.

“you should tell him,” kihyun said from beside him, looking ahead at the plain white wall of the waiting room. 

“i know,” changkyun heaved an even heavier sigh as he began to type back to hyungwon. “but, i just can’t. not yet.”

_me_  
_’ raincheck? i’m busy with ki hyung rn :/ ‘_

not even a minute later.

_wonnie 🖤_  
_’ it’s no problem baby <3 ‘_

changkyun smiled down at his phone, trying to fight the tears welling in his eyes. he heard kihyun sigh from beside him but not say anything further. changkyun shut off his phone, stuffing it in the pocket of his jacket.

“im changkyun?” a woman in a lavender pair of scrubs stepped into the waiting room, looking down at the clipboard held between her hands. changkyun stood up and made his way to the woman. “follow me and the doctor will see you now,” she smiled when she noticed changkyun making his way over to her.

“i’ll be here when you get out,” kihyun called after him. changkyun said nothing but nodded at his cousin’s words.

nearly 30 minutes later, changkyun walked back into the waiting room, head down as he made his way over to where kihyun had stood up.

“well?” kihyun asked as he tried to see changkyun’s face, but the younger was adamant on keeping his head down. 

changkyun said nothing as he shook his head, trying his best to keep himself silent as the words from the doctor replayed in his head. _”two months, at most.”_

kihyun nodded his head, understanding what changkyun’s silence meant. he put his hand on changkyun’s shoulder and directed the two of them to the hospital exit.

-

“you’re crazy, changkyun!” kihyun shouted, exasperated. 

him and changkyun were in their shared apartment at the moment. it was a saturday evening, so the both of them were free from class and work. changkyun had decided that now would be the time to tell his cousin his plan. 

“but it’s my idea, hyung! i want to do it, i just need your help,” changkyun said, desperate to make kihyun listen.

“i’m not going to let you kill yourself!” kihyun shouted, the idea sounding stupider and stupider the more he thought about it. “why don’t you want to live until the end?”

“because i don’t have much longer left. two months, hyung! that’s it! if even that,” changkyun said. “i want to die on my own terms. i don’t want this to kill me if i have any say in it.”

kihyun sighed in exasperation, plopping down on the couch as he ran his hands down his face. “i can’t let you, kyun-ah. i just can’t”

“do you want to watch me wilt away? become so weak i can’t even stand anymore? is that what you want, hyung?” changkyun spat in anger, angry that kihyun wouldn’t let him do this. it’s not like he needed kihyun’s permission, he just didn’t want to do it alone.

“of course not, changkyun! i just… i don’t think i can,” kihyun said, looking at changkyun from across the coffee table. 

“but hyung, please, you’re all i have here,” changkyun was close to downright begging. “i’m not asking you to insert the needle or anything, i just want you to be there.”

“what about hyungwon-ah?” kihyun sighed. he watched as changkyun gasped, fighting an internal battle.

“i don’t want him to know,” he said quietly, looking at the ground.

“changkyun, you know that’s not fair. why do you not want him to know?”

“because i love him.”

“all the more reason he needs to know,” kihyun stood up, making his way over to changkyun and patting his shoulder. “it wouldn’t be fair if he woke up one day and you weren’t here anymore. he deserves an explanation.”

“i know, but i…” changkyun sobbed softly, wiping at his eyes harshly. “i don’t want to hurt him.”

“it’ll hurt either way. but at least he won’t be left in the dark,” kihyun knew that he was getting through to changkyun when he saw the younger nodding his head.

“okay, i’ll tell him,” changkyun said as he wiped at his eyes a last time. “but, i can’t do it yet.”

“that’s fine, but you have to soon, okay?” kihyun said as he moved changkyun’s head up so that they were looking each other in the eye. changkyun sighed as he nodded, knowing that he had no other choice now. kihyun smiled, leaning in to plant a kiss on the younger’s forehead.

-

hyungwon and changkyun once again found themselves under the stars in the same park as their first date, the two cuddled together on a blanket hyungwon brought from his dorm.

“is that ophiuchus?” hyungwon asked as he pointed to a constellation in the sky, smiling and whooping when he heard changkyun confirm his find. he brought his hand back down to where it was, wrapped around changkyun’s shoulder, sighing in content as he said “you know, before i met you, i never really paid attention to the stars.”

“yeah?” changkyun said, trying to keep the sadness out of his voice because he could tell; it was time to tell hyungwon. he was down to a month and a half left.

“yeah. it seems that you opened my eyes to a lot of things,” hyungwon said cheekily, tightening his hold around the younger. 

changkyun sighed, not even trying to stop the tears that were building behind his eyelids. “hyung, i have something to tell you,” changkyun sniffled. 

upon hearing the younger starting to cry, hyungwon sat up quick, in turn bringing changkyun with him. “baby, what’s wrong? why are you crying?” hyungwon asked in a panic, his heart starting to race with worry. he cupped changkyun’s face, using the pads of his thumb to try and wipe at the tears streaming down his cheeks.

“h-hyung, i’m sick,” changkyun hiccupped, trying to wipe at his own face, but hyungwon wouldn’t move his hands.

“sick? baby, what do you mean?” hyungwon laughed exasperatedly, the worry spreading to the rest of his body as he started shaking.

“i’m going to die in a month and i want to do it myself,” changkyun sobbed knowing that he should’ve led with a different sentence when hyungwon’s hands stilled on his cheeks. changkyun opened his eyes, looking warily at hyungwon. the older had shock written on every inch of his face.

“what?” hyungwon asked after a few moments of stunned silence.

changkyun took a deep breath, ready to explain everything. “i have leukemia, and it’s too far along to try and treat it. the doctor said that i had two months left, but that was a few weeks ago, so now i have around a month and a half. i don’t want the sickness to kill me, i want to die myself,” changkyun watched as a million negative emotions ran across hyungwon’s face, finally settling on sadness.

“how long have you known?” hyungwon asked, pulling changkyun into his side, holding the younger closer and tighter than he has ever before.

“for a while,” changkyun answered, bringing his arms around hyungwon, hugging him just as tight. “that’s why i came to uni. i used to do online school, when i first found out, but when i was told there was nothing i could do about it, i wanted to see what it was like to do things like normal people, you know?”

hyungwon laughed, his eyes filling with tears as he took in the younger’s words. “you’re normal, kyunnie. being sick doesn’t change that.”

“i love you, hyung,” changkyun sobbed as he buried his face in hyungwon’s chest, inhaling his scent. he tightened his grasp on the older, crying a little harder when hyungwon did the same.

“changkyun, will you be my boyfriend?” hyungwon asked. changkyun pulled away, his tears stunted by the surprise that was sent through his body. he was silent for all of four seconds before he nodded his head, climbing into hyungwon’s lap as he threw his arms around hyungwon’s neck, placing his lips over the others. their kiss was wet, both of their tears making it into the mix. hyungwon placed his hands on changkyun’s waist as he held the other in place, kissing back with just as much vigor.

hyungwon reluctantly pulled away to ask, “is it okay if we go back to my place?” 

to which changkyun laughed and nodded his head, kissing hyungwon once more before the two of them stood up, making their way to hyungwon’s dorm.

-

hyungwon sighed as he opened his eyes, the first thing he sees being the sticky stars that littered his ceiling. as he closed his eyes again, the events of the hours prior started to play back in his head; the time spent with changkyun, the time of them breathing the same air, the time of making each other see stars. a smile made its way onto hyungwon’s face as he turned his head, his eyes landing on the sleeping face of changkyun beside him, the younger’s head resting on hyungwon’s arm. he looked so peaceful. hyungwon wouldn’t mind waking up to this face for the rest of his life. 

then it hit him; the things they talked about in the park. just how little time he had to wake up next to changkyun like this. hyungwon twisted his body as he brought his other hand up, using it to gently touch changkyun’s cheek, trying to engrave the feeling of it’s warmth and roughness and softness in the pad of his thumb. his brought his pointer finger and ran it down the bridge of changkyun’s nose, admiring the way it sloped so dramatically yet delicately. he brought his thumb down to changkyun’s lips, admiring how soft they were, and hyungwon wanted to lay on them as if they were the most plush pillow. 

his touches must’ve spurred changkyun out of his rest, because he slowly opened his eyes, blinking back to reality as he and hyungwon were looking into each other. 

“sorry if i woke you,” hyungwon whispered, almost afraid that if he talked too loudly, it’ll shatter their bubble of perfect.

“i’m a light sleeper,” changkyun whispered back, a soft smile on his face as he sat up slowly, leaning in to place a short kiss on hyungwon’s plump lips. it wasn’t enough for hyungwon, though, him sitting up and slotting himself between changkyun’s legs, a familiar position. he lowered himself so that his face was hovering over changkyun’s. he let his eyes roam over where his fingers had previously, eventually lowering himself so that they could kiss deeper. changkyun brought his hands up to tangle his fingers in hyungwon’s hair, hyungwon letting his hands travel down changkyun’s side, remembering the map his lips explored hours before. their kiss lasted moments more, changkyun eventually breaking away to take in air. he smiled after catching his breath, the smile brighter than a thousand suns. 

“do you want breakfast?” hyungwon asked as he smiled back at changkyun. the younger nodded, leaning in once more to plant another short kiss on hyungwon’s lips. the two giggled as they got up, hyungwon helping the younger sit. “are you sore?” he asked worriedly, wanting to make sure changkyun wasn’t in pain.

“i’m fine,” changkyun said bashedly as a blush spread on his cheeks, smiling up at hyungwon once he was standing. 

“here, you can wear one of my shirts,” hyungwon made his way to his closet, pulling open the doors and taking a shirt off the hanger, a plain white t-shirt, helping changkyun pull it over his head. his heart warmed when he took in the appearance of changkyun in his clothes, how the material of the shirt swallowed changkyun up. “come on, i think i can make pancakes.”

as the two ate in comfortable silence, hyungwon found himself looking up at changkyun from across the table more than he realized.

“do i have something on my face?” changkyun asked as he brought his hand up to his face, ready to wipe anything off.

“how are you going to do it?” hyungwon blurted out instead, gulping in regret when he realized what words came from his mouth. changkyun looked confused at first, but when the words registered in his head, he brought his hand down and intertwined his fingers on the table, looking down at them. 

“uhm, well, the simplest way to put it is, i’ll be euthanized,” changkyun said, his voice barely above a whisper, raising his eyes cautiously as he waited for hyungwon’s reaction. hyungwon sighed, the idea seeming a little too real now.

“when?” he asked, trying his best to speak over the lump forming in his throat.

“i have a month and a half left, so i want to do it in a month. before i get too bad,” changkyun sighed. 

“are they sure there’s nothing they can do? chemo?” hyungwon asked, starting to get more frustrated than upset. 

“they found out too late. it’d be pointless to do anything now.”

hyungwon laid his head down on the table between his arms, not wanting changkyun to see the tears starting to build in his eyes. too lost in his head, he didn’t hear the chair scraping, or notice changkyun making his way over to him until he felt the younger’s hand on his shoulder. hyungwon jolted in surprise, but didn’t waste any time wrapping his arms around changkyun’s waist, burying his head in his stomach as he let out a sob, his throat only closing up tighter when he felt changkyun tighten his hold around his shoulders. 

“it’s not fair,” hyungwon damn near wailed into the fabric of changkyun’s shirt, feeling the boy’s stomach start to shake from his own sobs. 

“i know, but there’s nothing we can do,” changkyun sniffled, running his hands through hyungwon’s hair. “i’m just happy i get to spend my last few weeks with you.” he smiled, a genuine smile because he genuinely was happy he got to spend this time with hyungwon, even if he wanted it to last longer.

-

changkyun had spent the last few days with hyungwon, living in the bliss that being with the other gave him. he noticed that when he was with hyungwon, it’s like he was healthy again, and his mind never went to how little time he had left. he laughed, he smiled, he lived. but, he knew that he couldn’t stay with him forever, he’d have to go back home eventually, back to kihyun. 

parting ways with hyungwon wasn’t easy, even if they knew they’d see each other again soon. changkyun wasn’t going to die without saying his goodbyes, afterall. 

going back to kihyun wasn’t easy either. especially after the argument the two had. changkyun knew that it wasn’t out of malice or anything negative, he knew kihyun cared for him. changkyun was just upset kihyun didn’t agree with his plan. he knew it was a taboo idea, but it was one that he was content with yet didn’t want to face alone.

walking into the apartment, changkyun noticed the smell of food wafting through the room. he let the smell lead him to the kitchen, knowing that there he’d find kihyun. and he was right, there was kihyun, standing over a pan with a pair of chopsticks in his hands, stirring whatever contents were in the pan.

“hyung?” changkyun asked quietly, not wanting to startle his hyung, knowing how focused the older could be when he was cooking.

“ah, kyun-ah, you’re back,” kihyun said, turning to face the younger with a small smile on his face. “go sit, there’s about five minutes until this is done.” 

changkyun nodded as he made his way to the kitchen table, twiddling his thumbs as he waited for kihyun to finish cooking. changkyun took in his cousin’s appearance; he seemed completely normal, as if changkyun hadn’t dropped the biggest bombshell on him just a few days ago.

when the food was eaten and they were sitting in silence, kihyun suddenly reached over the table and took changkyun’s hand in his, making the younger look up at him in surprise.

“i’ll go through it with you, if it’s what you really want and what will make you happy,” kihyun said seriously, never taking his eyes off of changkyun’s own. changkyun was stunned, staring at kihyun in silence as he took in his words. after they settled in his brain, he smiled wide, tears building in his eyes as he returned the hold on kihyun’s hand.

“thank you, hyung,” changkyun sniffled as he smiled at kihyun, his heart warming when kihyun returned a smile of his own. changkyun retracted his hand to wipe at his tears, sniffling once again. “uhm, i told hyungwon hyung.”

“really? what did he say?” kihyun asked, taking his and changkyun’s empty dishes and setting them in the sink, making his way back to sit in his chair once again.

“he was upset, obviously, but he’s okay with it. well, as okay as you can be when you hear your boyfriend is going to kill himself,” changkyun chuckled, but there was no humor behind it. “he said that as long as it was what i wanted, he’d support me and be there for me.”

“he sounds like a good boyfriend,” kihyun smiled, not missing the way changkyun smiled and how a blush flooded his cheeks when he nodded his head in agreement. “well, you have the both of us supporting you now.” kihyun smiled.

“that’s all i need,” changkyun smiled back, relief now flooding him knowing that he had the two most important people in his life by his side. 

-

_2 weeks,_ changkyun counted, looking at the calendar which he had hung on his wall, the mark on the little square glaring back at him in red sharpie. changkyun sighed, knowing that his time was now. half a month left. he knew now was the best time, feeling weaker than he has for a while. the sickness was kicking up. 

he had spent the last month in utter bliss; he was with hyungwon nearly half the time. and whatever time he didn’t spend with hyungwon, he spent with kihyun. the two had made amends when the three had decided to meet up for dinner at a mcdonald’s because changkyun had the sudden craving for mcnuggets. 

kihyun had explained that he never disliked hyungwon, but was rather weary of him becoming close to changkyun. _just being the overprotective cousin,_ was how kihyun had put it. hyungwon understood, of course, because in the time he had been with changkyun, he had become protective of the younger too.

after the two of them cleared up the fog between them, it was like they had been friends all along. changkyun watched on with a small smile on his face as his boyfriend and cousin chatted away, even sharing laughs together. changkyun felt happiness and even comfort swell in his chest as he watched, knowing that the two of them would be okay when he’s gone, because now they have each other. as the thought crossed his mind, changkyun joined into the conversation, laughing with the two without a care in the world.

changkyun left his room, making his way to the living room where he knew kihyun would be, most likely binging a new show he found on netflix. after waiting and letting kihyun enjoy a few more moments of his show, changkyun walked over and plopped down beside him.

“oh, hey, kyun-ah, i haven’t seen you nearly all day,” kihyun chuckled, pausing his show to look over at changkyun. “what’s up?”

“hyung, i’m ready,” was all changkyun said, his eyes never leaving kihyun’s as he watched the older furrow his brows in confusion until the words registered. 

“already?” kihyun asked in a small voice, his eyes beginning to sting as he watched changkyun nod his head lightly. kihyun took in a deep inhale, his exhale shaky. “alright,” he tried to smile, knowing it came off as a grimace instead. 

the two got up, silence rolling in and settling over their apartment like a thick fog as they got ready. there wasn’t much to do, other than kihyun grabbing a few of his personal things. changkyun didn’t, however, knowing he wouldn't be needing them.

“i called hyungwon and told him to meet us at the hospital,” kihyun said as he buckled his seatbelt, waiting for changkyun to do the same before starting the car and beginning the ride to the hospital. changkyun said nothing as he nodded, watching as the city life whizzed past his window. things seemed to move a lot faster when you knew that time was about to stop.

-

“hey, baby,” was the first thing hyungwon said when he saw changkyun and kihyun walk in to the waiting room of the hospital, walking to changkyun and taking him in his arms, holding him tight and planting a kiss on the top of his head. 

“hi, hyung,” changkyun said, his voice muffled by the material of hyungwon’s hoodie. he gave hyungwon a squeeze back before pulling away, giving him a small smile.

“hyungwon, glad you make it,” kihyun said as he stood beside changkyun, smiling tersely at hyungwon.

“of course,” hyungwon said back. “how are you?” hyungwon asked, looking back down to changkyun.

“i’m fine,” changkyun smiled, knowing what was going through hyungwon’s head. hyungwon smiled back, nodding his head.

“we should wait for the nurse,” kihyun suggested, making his way to the chairs and sitting down. changkyun and hyungwon made their way to the chairs too, sitting beside each other. hyungwon took changkyun’s hand in his, rubbing comforting circles on the back of his hand. the three boys sat in silence, while only one sat in peace.

a nurse walked through the double doors separating the waiting room from the rest of the hospital, “im changkyun?”

-

a year later and hyungwon hasn’t gone a single day without changkyun crossing his mind. every time he thinks of changkyun’s smile, or replays his voice in his head, a smitten smile makes its way onto his face. sure, he gets sad because he knows the memories are all he has of changkyun, but he knows that changkyun wouldn’t want him to cry over him. 

the last thing changkyun told him was, “whenever you miss me, look up to the sky, because i’ll be there with the stars. and just like the stars, you may not see me all the time, but i’ll always be there. but you can’t get jealous just because i have a better view than you.”

hyungwon does just as changkyun said, making sure that he always looks at the sky before closing his eyes each night. sometimes, he’ll stay awake and spend hours just talking with his head tilted to the stars as if he was talking to changkyun. he likes to think changkyun can hear him. he thinks he does hear him sometimes, because every once in a while, a star will twinkle just a little bit brighter before returning to its usual shine.

changkyun may be a star now, but to hyungwon, he was a star since the day he was born; it just took a while for the clouds to part for hyungwon to see.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope the ending wasn't too bad, i just got writers block about 3/4 of the way through and was trying my best 
> 
> please let me know what you think 🥺  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/bonitakyun)


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